Today guest blogger Pamela Madsen, Integrative Life Coach and author of Shameless: How I Ditched the Diet, Got Naked, Found True Pleasure…and Somehow Got Home in Time To Cook Dinner, discusses redefining orgasm. Learn more about Pamela at www.Being Shameless.com.
Women are redefining the definition of orgasm into something completely female.
Women are redefining orgasm in a brand new way for themselves. They are no longer willing to be held hostage to definitions of orgasm that follow the male model of erection and ejaculation. Female orgasm has so many different expressions, and women who buy into this masculine model that is all about the clitoral climax often find themselves feeling somehow dysfunctional and sexually broken. This can not only destroy their sexuality, but can also permeate other meaningful aspects of their relationships.
But there are new leaders emerging in the land of female sexuality, and they are out of the box and working to be taken as seriously as the Dr. Laura Bermans of the world. I am proud to say that I stand with them. And we are talking a lot about orgasm.
It’s all about a different definition of orgasm than we are taught. As Nicole Daedone author of “Slow Sex” put so well. “It’s not going to be that fleeting moment of climax that seems to take the whole rest of the act hostage. It’s going to be a definition of orgasm that actually works with a woman’s body. Rather than trying to stuff a woman’s body into an ill-fitting definition, we’ll have a definition that works with what the woman’s body does.”
When I first wrote about “Organic Orgasms”, New York Magazine Intel called it “The House of The Un-American Orgasm”. Why the push back? Do people really believe that Organic Orgasms or Slow Sex is about less pleasure? Au Contraire! That thought is so opposite to the truths we have learned and are trying to teach.
Let’s try to break this down. Let’s start by acknowledging there are different types of orgasm and the experience of orgasm – even the language of “Orgasm” – can be confusing to many people. What do we mean by “Orgasm”? And how can we improve on it? For the sake of this discussion, I am talking about rethinking orgasm and all of the language associated with it including: climax, vaginal orgasm, clitoral orgasm, full-body orgasm, male ejaculation, female ejaculation, G Spot orgasm and just “getting off”.
When we talk about orgasm, most of us think of it in terms of our desire to fulfill any of these experiences. I don’t believe that any of these types of orgasms should be the goal of every sexual experience or connection for either partner. We get so stuck on this idea that the outcome of every quality sexual intimacy must be the climax for both partners and succumb to the extraordinary amount of societal pressure to get to home base that we miss the whole game.
In the new definition of orgasm, climax can really be an afterthought – something that will probably happen but is really not the ruler used to measure the act. There is so much pleasure and intimate connection that can be found in taking the time to explore sexual arousal as a goal in itself. Having climax focused sexual experiences can rob you of all of the different types of connections and pleasures that can be found in sexual intimacy. We can be tortured with pleasure and play in sensation. If you have never done this – apply some Zestra and just wait a little while and see what I mean!
The crux of what we are talking about when we use the term “Organic Orgasm” is an experience that is not defined by the climax, but rather by the incredible feelings that can be generated and savored during sexual intimacy and arousal – and that are not described anywhere in our male-dominant dictionaries.
Too often, the experience of climax is put out as the measure of a joyful and meaningful sexual experience. It’s like our culture views sex as a sporting event (Sorry, New York Magazine!). Once we get on the playing field of sex, the only way to score is to get to home plate. Isn’t that what we’ve been taught as young sexual beings – that the entire goal of sexual contact is to score “a home run?” Somehow, if we don’t get to that climax we are supposed to feel like we lost the game.
It’s time to change the rules of the game – and look for support along the way.
I have a good friend that was determined to experience female ejaculation, so she worked with a hands-on therapist in a workshop for hours and hours and hours. She was going to experience this type of orgasm no matter what. Well, after far too many hours – she did. It sounded like a war – not an orgasmic experience at all – at least to me. I abhor all of this new pressure to achieve and experience these specific forms of climax, that made my friend go to battle to get her female ejaculation! She was not alone.
New age sex educators are running workshops on “G Spot” massage and female ejaculation all across the country. It’s not just important to just have an orgasm and a climax, we have to try to have the latest kind! All of this hype around the various types of orgasm can lead many of us to believe that climax is ultimately the most important part of any sexual encounter. If we don’t have one of the various flavors of orgasm, our lovemaking or sexual experience (even self pleasuring) will be deemed unsatisfying or a failure. So many of us are really missing the boat of what could be if we would simply stop running around the playing field and sit on first base for awhile and feel what we are feeling!
I contend that having “climax focused sex” can actually work against people having beautiful sexual connections and being able to experience organic orgasm in all of its flavors. In my world, sexual arousal is really not about having a “climax” – even though climax’s are yummy when they happen! It’s really about drinking in the stages and sublime pleasures of connecting, touching, giving and receiving, and intimacy.
If the goal is simply to achieve climax rather than to experience all the different types of connection and pleasure that is possible with our sexuality, I would rather skip it – but I don’t like to eat fast food either. I believe that the organic orgasms are the ones we need to nourish ourselves emotionally, physically and spiritually. We just have to make room in our busy schedules for their presence. They don’t need to show up during every sexual interaction – but if we stay on the path to connection and give up making climax the focus of every sexual encounter – we will find that organic orgasms – like organic, free range and slow cooked food – are what we need to fulfill and preserve our relationships with our beloveds and with ourselves.
It is time to re-educate ourselves about sexual pleasure. We have become such a quick-fix, goal orientated society that we forget that an easter egg hunt is not about the egg – it’s about running around the backyard!
For me, and for other female sexual revolutionaries – female orgasm is defined by each unique female. The beautiful thing is that when you allow women to define their own experience of orgasm – this entire concept of ‘frigidity,’ becomes some old wives tale. Let’s replace that with the incredible journey of discovering what each woman’s orgasm is for her. Help her discover it, and understand how her orgasm works. Let’s support her in exploring the untamed sexual pleasure that is available in each woman’s body. Zestra can help.
I am very curious about what you think about this concept of Slow Sex and Organic Orgasm? Let’s expand the conversation – and leave me your comments!