Today guest blogger Pamela Madsen, Integrative Life Coach and author of Shameless: How I Ditched the Diet, Got Naked, Found True Pleasure…and Somehow Got Home in Time To Cook Dinner, shares four ways to shake up your sex life. Learn more about Pamela at www.Being Shameless.com.

It’s time to have an affair with yourself!

In some ways, nothing much has changed for women when it comes to sexuality. We still box it up instead of integrating sexuality fully into our lives. We have so many misconceptions about what it is to attract love, lovers and hot steamy sex into our lives.

So many of us still believe that it is the our lovers that bring sex to us, instead of the other way around. We think that someone else is going to light our fire. The fact is that if we keep waiting for the knight in shining armour to arrive we may never leave the castle.

The cold hard truth is that sexiness starts within us – and if we allow can enter all the parts of our lives. Once we can connect to that source within ourselves, we will be able to splash the joy of it onto other people – and that is where the juice lies. We really need to have an affair with ourselves! So how do we get there?

There are so many ways to recharge our own batteries – and I am a master of it. Not only did I share my own story of mid life sexual awakening in my memoir “Shameless”, but I coach women from across the country on how to connect their sexuality to their lives every day.

The beginning steps may seem tiresome – but often beginning steps are. Remember we are on a journey to turn that old tired place of disconnection from our bodies to being in a place of self loving, self healing and sexy self empowerment. Let me remind you that we are not doing makeovers, that we are already here. What I am encouraging you to do is to join me in getting sexy and connected from the inside out. And I am going to continue to support you in taking those first few steps in your exploring your own sensual you. I am on a mission to help all of step onto that path of sexy self loving, and turning this year into being the one that brings out a swish to our hips and a kick to our steps.

1. Take five minutes and get naked alone. That’s right. Clear out the house so that you feel safe if you don’t have a private place in your home. Get naked and get comfortable. Put on some music if that helps. Don’t worry – I am not asking you to look yet! I am asking you to simply feel your body. You should be somewhere comfortable – your bed or even a warm bath. Close your eyes and empty your mind. Let your hands wander over your entire body. Feel how beautiful your hair is. Let your hands run over your curves – your breasts – your hips. Pay attention to your body – the texture of your skin. If your own touch is giving you pleasure, you get extra bonus points! Sigh into that feeling of pleasure. Feel your breath. Feel the pleasure that your body can give you just the way it is right now through your own hands. Take the time to feel your body in a conscious way.

Now comes the part that may be harder for some of us than others: tell you body kind things. Give your body compliments. It’s okay if you don’t quite believe them yet. Just do it. You could thank your body for being so brave trying to get pregnant, giving birth, running that marathon or even getting up this morning and facing the day! You can admire how beautiful the curve of your bottom feels in your hand. Tell your breasts that they are fabulous – admire your arms and the dimple in your cheek. You get the idea. You can do this – free form – your own way – five minutes every day for a month. All your parts.

Find the time – and see what shifts for you in your life. After a month passes – do this exercise whenever you think about it. That is what I mean about turning it into a practice. After a while you will begin to do this on your own without much thought. You may find yourself doing this in bed when you wake up or as you fall asleep. Either way, it is a great way to start or end the day. My favorite time is while soaping up in the shower!

2. Go on take a peek – it’s mirror time! And yes, this involves nudity. Now I have to be honest – this was and still is a tough one for me. For me, it is easier to feel than to look. But trust me – this does get easier.

Once again, you need privacy and five whole minutes. Once you cleared out the private space and time – stand naked in front of a full length mirror – and look. Start at your face and work your way down. You can use your eyes and your hands – whatever is comfortable to you. Once again – it is time to tell your body kind things. Are your eyes a beautiful color? Then say it. Tell you body loving things. The compliments can be about performance, physical appearance – whatever comes to mind. But I want you to focus on how your body pleases you and gives you pleasure. Remember you can do this! And it’s only five minutes. I started this practice three years ago. I started with five minutes every day – just like the “feeling” practice. I still do both exercises every week. Remember the dust? It gathers!

3. Take a look at the different images of feminine beauty throughout the ages. Allow yourself to feel the sensuality of different body types. I am round and curvy. I love looking at the images of women during the time of ancient Rome. Take a walk in a museum and take a look at images of female beauty through out the ages. I love the images of the Goddesses painted on the ceilings of cathedrals. If I squint my eyes really, really hard – they kind of look like me! Perhaps you are tall, thin and small breasted? Pick up a fashion magazine and take yourself in. Allow yourself to expand your own perception of female body.

4. Go shopping. Your assignment? Buy some sexy underwear! That’s right – and this is for you. You are not buying for anybody else. What can you wear to work, shopping, or even to a PTA meeting that will make you walk with that special knowledge that you are a hot thing? Is it pull up black stockings? A rhinestone bra? Go get it – and put it on. You will be surprised how good it can make you feel.

I hope that you try some of these idea on. I hope that I can inspire you – and if I see a sexy lady on the street that has a smile behind her eyes – I will wonder if it is you.

Today guest blogger Pamela Madsen, Integrative Life Coach and author of Shameless: How I Ditched the Diet, Got Naked, Found True Pleasure…and Somehow Got Home in Time To Cook Dinner, discusses redefining orgasm. Learn more about Pamela at www.Being Shameless.com.  

Women are redefining the definition of orgasm into something completely female.

Women are redefining orgasm in a brand new way for themselves. They are no longer willing to be held hostage to definitions of orgasm that follow the male model of erection and ejaculation. Female orgasm has so many different expressions, and women who buy into this masculine model that is all about the clitoral climax often find themselves feeling somehow dysfunctional and sexually broken. This can not only destroy their sexuality, but can also permeate other meaningful aspects of their relationships.

But there are new leaders emerging in the land of female sexuality, and they are out of the box and working to be taken as seriously as the Dr. Laura Bermans of the world. I am proud to say that I stand with them. And we are talking a lot about orgasm.

It’s all about a different definition of orgasm than we are taught.  As Nicole Daedone author of “Slow Sex” put so well.  “It’s not going to be that fleeting moment of climax that seems to take the whole rest of the act hostage. It’s going to be a definition of orgasm that actually works with a woman’s body. Rather than trying to stuff a woman’s body into an ill-fitting definition, we’ll have a definition that works with what the woman’s body does.”

When I first wrote about “Organic Orgasms”, New York Magazine Intel called it “The House of The Un-American Orgasm”. Why the push back? Do people really believe that Organic Orgasms or Slow Sex is about less pleasure? Au Contraire! That thought is so opposite to the truths we have learned and are trying to teach.

Let’s try to break this down. Let’s start by acknowledging there are different types of orgasm and the experience of orgasm – even the language of “Orgasm” – can be confusing to many people. What do we mean by “Orgasm”? And how can we improve on it? For the sake of this discussion, I am talking about rethinking orgasm and all of the language associated with it including: climax, vaginal orgasm, clitoral orgasm, full-body orgasm, male ejaculation, female ejaculation, G Spot orgasm and just “getting off”.

When we talk about orgasm, most of us think of it in terms of our desire to fulfill any of these experiences. I don’t believe that any of these types of orgasms should be the goal of every sexual experience or connection for either partner. We get so stuck on this idea that the outcome of every quality sexual intimacy must be the climax for both partners and succumb to the extraordinary amount of societal pressure to get to home base that we miss the whole game.

In the new definition of orgasm, climax can really be an afterthought – something that will probably happen but is really not the ruler used to measure the act. There is so much pleasure and intimate connection that can be found in taking the time to explore sexual arousal as a goal in itself. Having climax focused sexual experiences can rob you of all of the different types of connections and pleasures that can be found in sexual intimacy. We can be tortured with pleasure and play in sensation. If you have never done this – apply some Zestra and just wait a little while and see what I mean!

The crux of what we are talking about when we use the term “Organic Orgasm” is an experience that is not defined by the climax, but rather by the incredible feelings that can be generated and savored during sexual intimacy and arousal – and that are not described anywhere in our male-dominant dictionaries.

Too often, the experience of climax is put out as the measure of a joyful and meaningful sexual experience. It’s like our culture views sex as a sporting event (Sorry, New York Magazine!). Once we get on the playing field of sex, the only way to score is to get to home plate.  Isn’t that what we’ve been taught as young sexual beings – that the entire goal of sexual contact is to score “a home run?” Somehow, if we don’t get to that climax we are supposed to feel like we lost the game.

It’s time to change the rules of the game – and look for support along the way.

I have a good friend that was determined to experience female ejaculation, so she worked with a hands-on therapist in a workshop for hours and hours and hours. She was going to experience this type of orgasm no matter what. Well, after far too many hours – she did. It sounded like a war – not an orgasmic experience at all – at least to me. I abhor all of this new pressure to achieve and experience these specific forms of climax, that made my friend go to battle to get her female ejaculation! She was not alone.

New age sex educators are running workshops on “G Spot” massage and female ejaculation all across the country. It’s not just important to just have an orgasm and a climax, we have to try to have the latest kind! All of this hype around the various types of orgasm can lead many of us to believe that climax is ultimately the most important part of any sexual encounter. If we don’t have one of the various flavors of orgasm, our lovemaking or sexual experience (even self pleasuring) will be deemed unsatisfying or a failure. So many of us are really missing the boat of what could be if we would simply stop running around the playing field and sit on first base for awhile and feel what we are feeling!

I contend that having “climax focused sex” can actually work against people having beautiful sexual connections and being able to experience organic orgasm in all of its flavors. In my world, sexual arousal is really not about having a “climax” – even though climax’s are yummy when they happen! It’s really about drinking in the stages and sublime pleasures of connecting, touching, giving and receiving, and intimacy.

If the goal is simply to achieve climax rather than to experience all the different types of connection and pleasure that is possible with our sexuality, I would rather skip it – but I don’t like to eat fast food either. I believe that the organic orgasms are the ones we need to nourish ourselves emotionally, physically and spiritually. We just have to make room in our busy schedules for their presence. They don’t need to show up during every sexual interaction – but if we stay on the path to connection and give up making climax the focus of every sexual encounter – we will find that organic orgasms – like organic, free range and slow cooked food – are what we need to fulfill and preserve our relationships with our beloveds and with ourselves.

It is time to re-educate ourselves about sexual pleasure. We have become such a quick-fix, goal orientated society that we forget that an easter egg hunt is not about the egg – it’s about running around the backyard!

For me, and for other female sexual revolutionaries – female orgasm is defined by each unique female. The beautiful thing is that when you allow women to define their own experience of orgasm – this entire concept of ‘frigidity,’ becomes some old wives tale. Let’s replace that with the incredible journey of discovering what each woman’s orgasm is for her. Help her discover it, and understand how her orgasm works.  Let’s support her in exploring the untamed sexual pleasure that is available in each woman’s body.  Zestra can help.

I am very curious about what you think about this concept of Slow Sex and Organic Orgasm? Let’s expand the conversation – and leave me your comments!

THIS IS ESSENTIAL INFORMATION!

Zestra – your favorite arousal oil (and ours, of course) – has done the near-impossible. We have actually ACQUIRED the “Zestra” Twitter account and will be using THAT instead of “ZestraRush”…

To repeat – the lovely, top-quality sextastic news will be appearing on your Twitter feed under @Zestra instead of @ZestraRush.

But fear not, dear readers! If you’re currently following us, this requires ZERO CHANGE on your part. (If you aren’t currently following us, you should!) We just wanted you to be aware. Because we’re good like that.

Follow @zestra

This week’s for the ladies! We have wall-to-wall, front-to-back, top-to-bottom hot guys. From Kevin Costner’s sex quote to Ryan Gosling’s slamming abs, this Hump should be easy to get over.

Video of the Week

For those of you who just can’t get enough of your partner:

Sexy Quotes from Sexy People

“Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you’re not good at them.” –Kevin Costner in the movie “Tin Cup”
“Despite a lifetime of service to the cause of sexual liberation, I have never caught venereal disease, which makes me feel rather like an Arctic explorer who has never had frostbite.” –Germaine Greer
“Sexual intercourse is kicking death in the ass while singing.” –Charles Bukowski

Hottest Men of the Movies

Let’s take a closer look at some of today’s talented leading men! (And by “talented,” we mean both professionally and physically…)

Matthew McConaughey

Breaking onto the scene with a starring role in “A Time to Kill,” Mr. McConaughey has become as famous for his abs as his acting. Recently engaged to his longtime girlfriend, this hot dad has two kids at home.

Brad Pitt

Duh.

Antonio Banderas

Melanie Griffith’s significant other is aging wonderfully, gaining the panache of a Cary Grant or George Clooney. Last seen in the bizarro film “The Skin I Live In,” we can look forward to years of Mr. Banderas continuing to improve with age.

Colin Farrell

After skyrocketing to the A-List with his stellar performance in “Tigerland,” Mr. Farrell has hit a few career bumps in the road – but luckily none have affected his stellar mug.

Ryan Gosling

The “It” boy of the moment, Mr. Gosling is an amazing actor as well as being stunningly handsome. After romances with Rachel McAdams and Sandra Bullock, word has it he’s currently dating Eva Mendes (who’s no slouch in the looks department, either).

Bradley Cooper

Though he stars in a series of gross-out movies (see “The Hangover” and partner), there’s very little gross about Bradley Cooper. Between the perfect teeth and year-round tan, Mr. Cooper is the stuff dreams are made of.

Jake Gyllenhaal

A member of a famous film family, Mr. Gyllenhaal was slated to be a movie star from the start. From a cute kid in “City Slickers” to the hot marine in “Jarhead,” we can’t complain.

Derek Luke

Starring in Denzel Washington’s “Antwone Fisher,” Mr. Luke immediately garnered attention for his good looks and terrific performance. Since then, he’s appeared in “Lions for Lambs,” “Friday Night Lights” and did a great turn as P. Diddy in “Notorious.”

Robert Downey, Jr.

Funny and handsome? Pretty much the perfect combo. OK, so he had some drug issues at one point, but luckily, they didn’t affect Sherlock Holmes’ handsome brow.

Clive Owen

The Man Who Would Be Bond lost out on that part (to another hot guy – Daniel Craig) but certainly won the genetic lottery.

Ryan Reynolds

Though the “Green Lantern” flamed out at the box office, there’s nothing not hot about Ryan Reynolds. Check out that torso!

Comment below to tell us who we missed!

Sex tip of the week

Make Sexty Time
Being apart doesn’t mean you can’t be prepping for time together with a few salacious texts. Something spicy and sensual works best (and it’s often easier to communicate your more racy thoughts via technology than in person). Remember to watch the X-rated missives while your significant other is at work, however – you never know who might pick up their cell…

The results of last week’s Facebook poll

Question: “If I could hook up with any historical figure, it would be…”

The most interesting responses include…
“Sacagawea”
“Eartha Kitt in her 20s / early 30s”
“Charlie Chaplin in full costume makeup”

You can see all the crazy answers here.

Check out our Facebook page to vote on this week’s poll question: “If I met my celebrity free pass, I would…”
a. Ask for his / her autograph
b. Invite my husband / wife for a three-way
c. Drop trou then and there
d. Vomit before bursting into tears

Results will be published next week!

It’s T-minus 3 days and counting until 2012 rocks our socks off (more about that below). Hopefully, you are still filled with merriment and cookies – and only returning to work for a brief couple of days before launching hard core (via ball drops, Jell-O shooters and glitter) into the Mayan apocalypse. But, let’s face it, if we’re going down, what better way than with a loving partner and a little Zestra?

Catch you in the New Year, Dear Readers.

Video of the Week:

Sexy Quotes from Sexy People

“Sex appeal is fifty percent what you’ve got and fifty percent what people think you’ve got.” –Sophia Loren
“I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.” –George Burns
“Don’t have sex man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them.” –Steve Martin

Sexpert of the Week – Natalie Lue

Our Sexpert-of-the-Week is Natalie Lue, a witty relationship professional from the UK who gives insightful advice on the dynamics of dating. Ms. Lue’s website BaggageReclaim.com – founded in September of 2005 – is one of the world’s most popular relationship sites.

“I launched BaggageReclaim as a tongue-in-cheek guide created to discuss the complexities of being a woman, the choices that they make and the dodgy men that add to their load. Bored of reading headlines like ‘X ways to seduce your man’ and stuff about trapping/catching men that aren’t looking to be caught, I wanted to bring something different to the table,” says Ms. Lue.

Ms. Lue’s savvy, pragmatic advice is both entertaining and motivating. For example, she encourages women to stay away from commitment-phobes and players, calling them “Mr. Unavailables” and “assclowns.”

While she exposes some hard truths to her readers, Ms. Lue also provides a shoulder to cry on and constructive, actionable advice. She says she wants to give people “better relationships and better sense of self.”

Sample blog posts:
“Advice: How do I deal with my abusive boyfriend?”
“Defining Assclowns: Men You Shouldn’t Want to Date”
“Relationship Advice: He’s abusive and possibly a narcissist but I love him. Will he change?”

A former advertising executive, Ms. Lue claims that she finally learned to stand up for herself after years of being attracted to “Mr. Unavailables.” She has been featured on SkyNews and BBC radio and in newspapers like the Daily Express and News of the World. Her book Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl is currently available on Amazon.com.

You can follow Ms. Lue on Twitter @baggagereclaim and us Follow @Zestra

Sex fact of the week

Sock it to me
According to researchers at Groningen University in the Netherlands, couples who wore socks to bed orgasmed at a 30% greater rate than those who did not (80% with, 50% without).

The results of last week’s Facebook poll

Question: “If you could have sex anywhere, I would have it…”
a. The Aggro Crag 45%
b. On top of Brad Pitt 27%
c. In space 9%
d. On top of Ryan Gosling 18%
d. In a church 0%
c. On The Planet of the Apes 0%

Check out our Facebook page to vote on this week’s poll question: “If I could have sex with a historical figure, it would be…”

The most interesting answers will be published next week!